So those of you who know me, may know that I often have some rants, or as my wife calls them “nutties” or “Heather Moments.” Thanks babe. I CANNOT sit idly by however, as I have read ANOTHER article about what I refer to as clear signs that the Clownpocalypse is steaming toward us full steam ahead.
For those of you who do not know me very well, I must let you know that I love most things horror or Halloween. Friday the 13thand Jason, sure. Jeepers Creepers, psycho killers, crazy animals, evil babies…I love it. Michael Myers – he scares the hell out of me, but BRING IT…love it…rush like no other. There are 2 things however, that are clearly signs of pure evil, and are not entertainment pieces, but just tools of the Devil. Snakes and Clowns. So, obviously the first time I read the article about the person who was dressing up like a poor man’s Pennywise in Northampton, England I had one of the above noted nutty’s. I in fact had an epic nutty that I didn’t even keep in the sanctity of marriage, but shared with Facebook, as this is clearly a sign that the clowns are making their move.
Stephen King is in my very humble opinion, nothing short of a literary genius. He takes a lot of heat I know (only a little pun intended) mainly because some HATERS feel that he lacks closing skills. I have read many of his books, and am still working my way through his vast collection of contributions to the literary world, but I have seen no problems with his closings. I feel if you are let down by the closing, you should readdress, because he generally words things in a way that can keep a seed planted. As for the movie adaptations for his books, well….jury is out on most of them. At dozens upon dozens, King has had more novels adapted into movies than any other living author, and to be honest, I would have to research if any dead penners have him beat. I have seen A LOT of the movies, but not all. From the “horror” adaptations, I usually come away let down. This is for a simple reason – I am a snob in this aspect of life. Let me explain…
Did I have to cover my eyes during the body scene in Stand by Me – you bet, for YEARS. Did Cujo make me cringe – for the parts of it where I wasn’t incredibly bored, yuppers. I empathized and hated Carrie, felt the pangs of loss and desperation in Pet Semetary and even I knew how good Kathy Bates could play crazy by the end of Misery. When it comes to King’s horror novels though, a HUGE part of me wants Hollywood to leave them alone. Kubrick is a genius, but his version of The Shining was so far from the story, that King himself redid it in a miniseries. On its own, great movie. Read the book and you were like, that was not an adaptation, that was really only kind of a based on. This truly ruins it. You don’t see the hedges shifting and changing, scaring Danny and encouraging Jack. You don’t see the snowmobile rushing towards freedom. I could smell the fire and hear the explosion better from King’s words then any movie has ever painted them for me, and the reason is simple. The man, love him or hate him, paints a picture with words better than anyone ever has, or quite frankly ever will.
As for the adaptations of his other works – yes, let it be known far and wide, the man can write, not just horror, but I do believe EVERY genre. The ones that truly pop into my head are The Green Mile and The Shawshank Redemption. I mean. If you haven’t seen these movies, I do not know what you are waiting for. Go. NOW. I will wait. I mean, not literally, these are King adaptations, that is like a day’s worth of viewing there my friends. Seriously though, go. Now. These movies are fantastic. They have casts to die for, scripts of gold and are some of the best cinematic contributions of our generation. You may have your own opinion here. If it isn’t this though, it is probably wrong. If you haven’t READ these works, I mean, why not? These and The Stand, I mean, time commitment definitely. Worth it – every single milli-second. Every one.
There is one King book though that is my nemesis. It is adapted into a movie. I have seen parts of the movie. When I was young. Real young. This is when I knew what true terror is my friends. TRUE TERROR. Yup, that is right – It. When I was young, I walked into a room, the movie was playing. I thought oh, clown. Ha. Yeah. Deranged, fanged, killer clown. The clown horrifically killed a kid and this girl was done. To this day, I don’t walk over sewer drains, I don’t take balloons from strangers and I realize that Laurie Notaro is not only the Queen of idiot girls and one of the funniest people alive, but a genius. She has alerted people to the Clown Network. Taking heart in her bravery, I must alert people to the truth. The Zombie Apocalypse is a lie. The Clownpocalypse is where the truth is. You can sever the brainstem from the zombie or get a direct head shot, beat its head with a baseball bat, you can beat it. YOU CAN’T BEAT CLOWNS. They have advanced levels of special relations. There is no defense. You are still trying to figure out how they got 8 of themselves in a VW Bug, and more are coming. You are automatically outnumbered. There is no defense against pies in the face. I mean, you can’t win.
This leads me to my initial point, and if you have hung in for this crazy ride (Kristen, really, it’s just you) I have to tell you the crazy that is happening. Poorman Pennywise is no longer just in Northampton people. Poorman Pennywise clowns were spotted in March in Staten Island. This was supposedly linked back to publicity stunts, but this is the same network that brought us the Zombie Apocalypse craze and balloon animals. They are crafty, they are experts at concealing their identities and anyone who can wear those shoes and do physical comedy can only be dangerous when cornered. This is a terrifying course of events. I hope that you are all prepared and that everyone takes heed. Don’t smell their flowers, don’t smile at their falls, don’t clap when they throw pies and if they offer you balloons, whether regular or in animal forms, don’t think, don’t pause, just run.
Because as I have told my wife, if a clown comes at you vows mean nothing. That my friends is an every person for themselves situation, and I will sacrifice you to save myself. I have a strong survival instinct people, and if you cover your face with white paint, give yourself a large unrelenting smile and hit yourself with a mallet to make me laugh, in my mind the alert level goes to red, and I punch first, napalm second and shrug when I get in trouble. Be warned clowns, Heather don’t play that game.